To win your husband back after divorce you need to play to win. This means suiting up, getting your head in the game, and giving it your all.
Granted, it may seem like the odds are stacked against you, especially if the divorce was his idea or if the entire process brought out the worst in both of you.
But, if you're sure this is what you want, you'll need to shift his perception and get him to think twice about letting you go.
Be warned: the process won't be linear, and you might have to pivot a few times. Before we explore the steps involved in greater detail, there are a few things you should know.
Things to know
- Getting your husband back after divorce involves healing, letting go of the past, and devising a game plan to get him to reconsider things.
- You'll need to do a lot of inner work to learn the skills required to maintain a healthy relationship this time around
- You'll need to make your intentions clear and be prepared to respect his perspective and boundaries.
Now, let’s dive right in. The 12 steps to win your husband back after divorce include:
- 1. Embrace Healing And Forgiveness
- 2. Do The Tough Inner Work
- 3. Have A Clear Game Plan
- 4. Reflect On What Went Wrong
- 5. Keep Your Thoughts Positive
- 6. Work On Your Self-Esteem
- 7. Make Your Intentions Known
- 8. Get His Perspective
- 9. Keep Your Communication Positive
- 10. Respect His Boundaries
- 11. Make Him Feel Valued Again
- 12. Ramp Up The Attraction
- Final Thoughts
1. Embrace Healing And Forgiveness
No matter who initiated the divorce, healing takes time and it's important to give yourself enough time to process your emotions and forgive what needs to be forgiven.
When you've let go of any lingering hurt, resentment, or anger, you'll be in a better position to make your intentions to reconcile clear.
Taking some time to yourself also gives him a chance to let go of any negative feelings he may have towards you. Ultimately, by creating space, you stand to make him more receptive to what you have to say.
2. Do The Tough Inner Work
It's important to go into this with a new perspective and the right mindset. You'll need to establish what went wrong in your marriage, acknowledge your part in it, and take responsibility. This involves doing the necessary inner work and embracing positive change.
Often, past relationships and childhood traumas tend to affect us in profound ways. Left unresolved, these issues have a way of compounding and destroying our relationships.
If you hope to have a healthier relationship this time around, consider seeing a therapist or relationship counselor. You'll not only get practical advice but you'll have a safe space to:
- Work through unresolved issues
- Process your emotions
- Become more self-aware
- Let go of limiting beliefs and mindsets
- Learn relational skills
3. Have A Clear Game Plan
It's a bad idea to approach your husband without a game plan, especially if your divorce was messy. As you work on becoming a better version of yourself, make sure you're also planning out your next steps, such as how you'll reach out and share your feelings with him.
Depending on how things ended, you may need to express your regret, apologize and give him space.
It's going to take time and work to shift your ex-husband's perception of you. Be prepared to show him that you're remorseful and that you've changed for the better.
4. Reflect On What Went Wrong
Be it finances or different parenting styles, you know better than anyone the issues that led to your divorce. If you want to give things another try, what truly matters is learning how to work through these issues. This means improving your communication skills and learning how to compromise. Other areas to work on include:
- Understanding your emotional triggers
- Understanding your conflict resolution style
- Understanding your communication style
- Improving your conflict management skills
If your ex-husband is interested in rekindling things, you'll need to work through these issues together. For now, however, laying the groundwork for a successful reunion is important. And this means doing the heavy lifting on your end first to get rid of any personal issues that might get in the way of winning him back.
5. Keep Your Thoughts Positive
It’s easy to spend your days worrying about whether your husband will take you back and what you'll do if he doesn't. It's natural to assume the worst and think you'll never find love again. However, don't allow yourself to fall into negative patterns of thinking, keep your mind occupied on positive things instead.
Take up any personal projects you've been putting off or get back into any hobbies or interests that you may have let fall away. The key is to do things that will keep you in a good mental and emotional state.
After all, you can't hope to win him back if you're not in the right frame of mind. If you resort to negative behaviors like stalking or manipulation, you might ruin any chance of ever having a healthy relationship with him.
6. Work On Your Self-Esteem
Low self-esteem often leads to acts of sabotage and other problems in a relationship. To ensure that you're up to the task of winning your husband back (and keeping him) work on your self-image.
The first step is to let go of any limiting beliefs about yourself. You're perfectly capable of having a healthy relationship this time around, especially if you learn from your mistakes.
Avoid negative self-talk and focus on positive affirmations instead. Practice self-compassion and treat yourself like you would a friend who needs love and support.
Lastly, learn to accept yourself and focus on doing things that make you feel confident and proud. This is the time to reclaim your identity and work on forming a strong sense of self that isn't tied to being in a relationship.
7. Make Your Intentions Known
Whether it's a call, a text, or a face-to-face conversation, you'll need to make your feelings and intentions known.
Start with a genuine apology that outlines your remorse for specific things. This shows him that you've had time to reflect and gain a fresh perspective on your mistakes.
Tell him that you'd like to get back together and that you'll be taking time to work on yourself. Not only does this demonstrate the ability to take responsibility for your actions; but it also communicates that you're willing to change.
Finally, leave the ball in his court. Express how much you hope he'll be willing to give things another try, but don't pressure him to give you an answer. Let him know that you'll be ready to listen to his perspective (and respect it) when he's ready.
Keeping the conversation civil is crucial, so don't get pulled into an argument if your revelation angers him. Rather, listen to what he has to say, understand where he is coming from, and validate his perspective. Then, give him time to process everything.
Remember, divorce is a harrowing process, and after everything you’ve been through, your feelings might come as a shock to him.
8. Get His Perspective
Throughout your marriage, you may have been so wrapped up in playing the blame game that you never truly listened to each other. Were there things that you shut out or flat-out refused to work on, even after he pointed them out? Things you weren't even aware of that may have caused resentment to grow between you?
To win him back, you must be willing to:
- Listen to his perspective
- Process his sentiments without judgment
- Fight against the urge to defend yourself
- Commit to meeting his relational needs
Ultimately, his perspective is the road map you'll need to find your way back into his heart again.
Creating the right conditions for this conversation to occur is imperative. You may need to give him a genuine apology filled with insight (from your reflection and inner work) to get him to open up and be willing to rehash things.
Remember, your vulnerability, willingness to admit your mistakes, and genuine desire to work on things will be crucial for getting him to consider giving things another try.
9. Keep Your Communication Positive
You'll need to work on maintaining consistent positive communication. If he's keeping the lines of communication open, and being friendly, that's a good sign. Keep the momentum going and spark enough of a connection for him to consider giving your relationship a second chance.
It's not about chasing him but drawing him to you. For the attraction to grow you have to be attractive — and we're not talking on a superficial level. Your emotional, mental, and physical energy must convey genuine optimism, and a desire to have him back in your life.
If you're desperate to get your ex-husband back because you're lonely or hate being divorced, that's going to lead to unattractive behaviors such as disrespecting his boundaries or potentially engaging in toxic forms of communication.
10. Respect His Boundaries
Your desire to rekindle things might be strong but don't expect him to feel the same way.
Even if he is considering it, he might need time to think about things and may request that you work through certain issues before he can things another try.
Rebuilding the trust and connection you once had is going to take patience, compromise, and effort — it's a marathon, not a sprint.
It's okay to be sure of what you want and to go after it wholeheartedly, but, respect your ex-husband's boundaries. This means no nagging, invading his space, or trying to get him to ‘see reason’. You'll only push him away and give him more reasons to think getting a divorce was the right thing to do.
11. Make Him Feel Valued Again
Express how much you value him whenever the opportunity arises. Be sure to thank him, even for the little things. If it's something you never did during your marriage, it's time to start cultivating the habit now.
Appeal to his hero instinct or his innate need to provide and protect. Show him that you still trust and appreciate him despite everything that has happened between you.
Hopefully, the trust and respect you're showing him will shift his perspective and inspire him to step up and become an even better version of the man you married.
12. Ramp Up The Attraction
You're working at a slight advantage: you know your ex-husband. You know exactly what he likes and what he finds irresistible. If you can use these things to your advantage, you might be able to win him back.
Whenever you get the opportunity to see him - in addition to looking sexy and confident - ensure that you're keeping your body language open and relaxed. A genuine smile and a few compliments here and there also go a long way.
While you want to play on attraction and rekindle that spark between you, make sure that you're both on the same page before taking things further.
It's understandable that you might be excited to pick up the sexual aspect of your relationship. However, not ironing out serious matters or figuring out where things are going, will only result in a toxic situation.
Final Thoughts
While you might feel the divorce was a mistake, there's a possibility that your ex-husband won't feel the same way.
If he has already moved on, you'll need to work on accepting the situation and getting there too. Keep your head up and allow all the work you've put into yourself to fuel your next steps.
There's a world of possibility out there; focus on falling in love with the person you're becoming and thrive.
