Attraction is that irresistible pull you feel towards another person. Want to touch them? You're dealing with physical attraction. Love the way they look? You're looking at an aesthetic attraction. Want to kiss them? Definitely sexual attraction.
Want to kiss them and tell them your hopes and dreams? That's a romantic attraction. If you're drawn to a person's personality, mind and heart - that's emotional attraction.
Emotional attraction involves a desire for intimacy and connection. It’s based on intangible things like respect, love, and acceptance. With emotional attraction, values, hopes, and goals are shared. The result is an emotional connection - the magic ingredient that makes romantic relationships and friendships last.
The key to being emotionally attractive lies in your willingness to be vulnerable.
Sure, that dress and those killer heels will certainly make him sit up and take notice. But if you want him to remember you long after you’ve left the room, you’ve got to attract him emotionally. So, how can you do that?
Things to know
- Being emotionally attractive requires you to develop certain characteristics - 'faking it' won't work in your favor. You risk coming across as manipulative, a trait that'll make any man skedaddle.
- Confidence is key: refrain from comparing yourself to others and look after your own emotional health.
- Avoid behaviors such as gossiping, and increase the number of deep conversations you have with people (especially him!).
Whether you’ve got your eye on a mysterious Libra man or a hot-headed Leo, here are the 10 steps to attract him on an emotional level:
- Increase your confidence
- Give him space
- Focus on your emotional health
- Pay attention to him
- Increase your emotional intelligence
- Don’t gossip
- Be vulnerable
- Be emotionally available
- Respect him
- Keep your promises
1. Increase your confidence
Confidence is all about believing in your abilities, skills, and judgment. When you have principles and you stand by them, it's sexy and shows character.
Confidence is also linked to assertiveness and being able to establish boundaries. Boundaries make for healthy relationships and stronger connections. When we show people that we value ourselves by setting boundaries, it usually makes them value us too.
Don't be afraid to say what makes you happy. Say no if something makes you uncomfortable. Don't burn yourself out trying to please everyone - create healthy boundaries.
As counterintuitive as it might seem, research has shown that people with boundaries are emotionally attractive. They inspire trust, a key element of building emotional connections.
Show him that you're confident in yourself and that you respect your needs. Chances are he'll trust you to respect his needs too.
How to increase your self-confidence
If you want to increase your self-confidence, follow these steps:
Seek out other confident people
If you've got friends who are negative and trigger early childhood insecurities, it might be time to find new friends. It's not good for your self-esteem or confidence to hang around people who constantly judge you or put you down. Surround yourself with confident people who appreciate you and make you feel good about yourself.
Take care of yourself
Make sure you're doing what's necessary for you to feel good about yourself. If that means learning a new skill or motivating yourself to work out, do it. Prioritize your mental health. When you make mistakes, treat yourself with kindness. Replace all that negative self-talk with positive self-talk.
Don't compare yourself to others
Maybe everyone is finding their soulmate on online dating sites, while you can't even get a text back. Perhaps your social media feed is full of friends living their best lives while you're just winging it.
Stop with the comparisons, you're damaging your self-esteem. Next time you're tempted to engage in a little social comparison, remind yourself that it's not worth it. You're a confident, beautiful woman who's committed to living her own life and achieving her own goals.
2. Give him space
Emotionally attractive people are secure in themselves. They're not clingy or needy. They get that people need time to themselves to rest, reflect and recharge. They’re aware that people have personal interests to pursue. They also understand that people have to maintain relationships with friends and family.
Give the man you like some space. Encourage him to spend time with friends and family. Give him time to do the things he loves to do. It's tempting to want to spend all your time with him, but research has shown that time apart increases attraction.
You'll know he's emotionally attracted to you when he wants to share important experiences with you or when he wants to introduce you to the important people in his life.
3. Focus on your emotional health
If you want to be an emotionally attractive person, work on having a healthy emotional life. Take care of your emotional well-being and seek help for any emotional problems.
Find healthy ways of managing stress and try to keep a positive mindset. This will benefit your dating life and how you relate to others. You don't want to lash out at a new love interest because of stressors in other areas of your life.
4. Pay attention to him
Think about every social exchange that ever left you feeling miserable. You were probably insulted or disrespected in some way. If it was a date, maybe your so-called date just couldn't put down their phone. If it was a new love interest, maybe they forgot about your birthday.
As human beings, we want to feel respected and valued. We want to know that someone sees us, understands us, and accepts us. When someone comes along and meets these needs, it inspires us to connect with them on a deeper level.
Emotionally attractive people are attentive. This means they'll listen and remember even the smallest details about us. As a result, we feel seen and valued.
Paying attention to him is a surefire way to attract him emotionally. Keep that phone out of sight and be mindful of what he shares with you. Make note of the things that make his face light up. Bring those things up each time you see each other and you'll definitely be seeing a lot more of each other.
5. Increase your emotional intelligence
An emotionally intelligent person understands their emotions. They're also attuned to the emotions of those around them. It’s this combination of self-awareness and empathy that makes them emotionally attractive.
Be perceptive when you’re in his presence. What is his body language communicating? Does he look like he had a bad day? Encourage him to share the details and genuinely listen to what he has to say.
How to increase your emotional intelligence
If you want to raise your emotional intelligence levels:
- Understand and manage your own emotions.
- Enhance your ability to read and react to others' emotions.
- Improve your listening skills.
- Develop your empathy skills
- Communicate your thoughts in a sensitive and tactful manner
6. Don’t gossip
You know that person who always has something negative to share? The one who talks your ear off about their 'friends'? Admit it. You don't trust that person.
Every time you hear them bash their 'friends', you can't help but wonder if they're saying the same things about you, behind your back. Don't be that bad friend.
We're drawn to people who radiate positivity and we can't help but be attracted to those who make us feel safe. As such, aspire to be positive and diplomatic in all your interactions.
Steer your conversations away from gossip and towards more meaningful topics. It will definitely make you better company. The more he trusts you, the more attractive you'll be.
7. Be vulnerable
The key to being emotionally attractive lies in your willingness to be vulnerable. The next time you're together, set the tone for a meaningful conversation.
Be open about the experiences that define you. Share your hopes, fears, and dreams. Talk about your mistakes and how you're learning from them. Not only will this make you more relatable, but it will also encourage him to be vulnerable with you too.
8. Be emotionally available
According to relationship coaches, we're more likely to develop emotional intimacy with people who exhibit high levels of emotional vulnerability. This is because being vulnerable points to an even more attractive trait - emotional availability.
Partners who are emotionally available are able to form the deep emotional bonds required to maintain a successful romantic relationship.
Emotionally unavailable partners, on the other hand, tend to avoid committed relationships out of a fear of emotional intimacy.
We often hear about the emotionally unavailable man, but emotional unavailability can occur in women too. Signs of emotional unavailability in both men and women include:
- Difficulty sharing thoughts and feelings
- Being emotionally cold and distant
- A reluctance to get to know people on a deeper level
- Fear of emotional intimacy
- A lack of empathy
- Destructive, self-serving behaviors
- Avoiding being in a committed relationship
If the man you've got your sights on seems like an emotionally unavailable person, proceed with caution. Many emotionally unavailable people actually crave connection, and their on-and-off availability is often a subconscious defense mechanism. Find out where he stands and then make a decision based on that.
9. Respect him
An emotionally attractive person respects people and inspires respect in return. Something as simple as consistently being on time can make you more emotionally attractive. Being on time communicates two things: that you value a person and that you respect their time.
Every time we're a little tardy we unconsciously communicate to a person that they aren't important to us - that we value our own time instead of theirs. As a result, they trust us a little less each time.
When you make plans, be sure to arrive on time. Strive to be the type of person who never makes another person feel unimportant or overlooked. Show him that you value and respect him and watch your emotional connection grow.
Respect is also about being able to appreciate another person's opinions and views without passing judgment. When someone disrespects our views and opinions, we feel threatened. Creating a safe space for interaction on a regular basis is the key to establishing an emotional connection.
It's hard to feel emotionally secure with a person who judges or dismisses us for thinking the way we do. If you want to keep the emotional attraction alive, create a safe space for him to share his thoughts. Avoid being disrespectful, intolerant, or judgemental.
10. Keep your promises
Broken promises kill trust, and as we've discovered, trust is an important part of emotional attraction. Think about it, why would he trust you with his thoughts and emotions when he can't even trust you to deliver on a small favor?
Emotionally attractive people keep their promises, it's part of the reason they're able to form deep, lifelong bonds with the people around them.
Be a woman of your word. Start with small things and work your way up from there. If you say you're going to do something, make sure you do it. He’ll find you emotionally irresistible.
While you’re probably dying to try a few of these out to get your love life back on track, remember that building a strong emotional connection will require effort from both you and the right man.
The right man won't let you do all the heavy lifting, he'll bear his share of the emotional load. Much like you, he's ready for true love and a serious relationship that fulfills his emotional needs.
See if the man you like has any of the characteristics of an emotionally attractive person.
If he’s about as emotionally attractive as a teaspoon - run.