For most people, your wedding was the happiest day of your life. You couldn’t believe how lucky you were. Vowing to love your wife "til death do you part" was something you truly meant.
Years later, she is just as in love as the day you said, “I do.” But you feel more like an actor playing a part in this marriage.
Realizing you’ve fallen out of love with your wife is difficult to accept. The shame and guilt you feel push you further away from her. As the gap between you grows, the emotional connection shrinks.
You still care deeply for your wife, but you’ve lost the romantic feeling you once had. You don’t want to feel this way. But you don’t know what to do.
Things to know
- Your first step should be to figure out why you lost your connection.
- Next, decide if the marriage is worth saving. If it’s a healthy relationship, then start taking responsibility for your role and put in more effort.
- If nothing helps, tell your wife how you feel. Decide together if you should hold on or divorce.
Take a deep breath. We’re going to break down step-by-step what to do when you realize you don’t love your wife anymore, but she still loves you:
- What Do You Do When You Don’t Love Your Wife Anymore?
- Can A Marriage Survive If You’re Not In Love?
- Should You Stay Or Go?
What Do You Do When You Don’t Love Your Wife Anymore?
1. Retrace your steps
You fell out of love with your wife for a reason. A happy marriage doesn’t crumble overnight.
To have any hope of rescuing your relationship, you first need to figure out what changed.
Look back on the past year: did you experience any significant life events? Maybe you’re going through a midlife crisis, or your spouse lost their job. That can be enough to give you different personalities or shatter your self-esteem.
Physical or mental illness can also take a toll on a couple. Suffering from chronic pain, mood swings, or panic attacks is enough to cause relationship problems for even the happiest partners.
It’s critical to identify the root of your dissatisfaction before you can decide how to move forward.
2. Decide if the marriage is worth saving
But staying in a loveless marriage isn’t for everyone. You don’t need to force something that is making you miserable.
You may notice red flags in your marriage when retracing your steps. Maybe they were already there. Or they started popping up over time. There are many signs to check if you married the right person.
Either way, before you do anything else, take some time to evaluate the health of your relationship.
Does your wife treat you with love and respect? Or does she attack you with verbal abuse? Do you compromise? Or are you constantly doing what she wants?
If your wife insults you and doesn’t tolerate healthy boundaries, you might be in an abusive relationship. In extreme cases, she may even be a narcissist.
If you’re not in a healthy relationship and you’ve fallen out of love, it isn’t worth fighting for. Stop trying to save the marriage and start working on divorcing a narcissistic woman.
But if your wife is a loving partner? There’s still hope for you both.
3. Look in the mirror
It takes two to keep up unconditional love. You can’t pin all your problems on one person.
Even if you feel like your wife has stopped trying to make your marriage work, pause and consider where you’re at fault. Could you be the reason she changed?
Every woman wants to feel valued by her partner. It’s easy to end up in a loveless marriage when you’re not noticing all the little things she does for you.
Take personal responsibility for your role in falling out of love. No matter how hard she tries, your wife will never be good enough for you if you don’t give her the attention she deserves.
4. Adjust your attitude
A significant cause of an unhappy marriage is clinging to unrealistic expectations.
When you first meet someone, the romantic feeling is strong. You’re spending all your time with them, on a phone call with them, or thinking about them. Both of you are bringing your best to the relationship.
Over time, the honeymoon phase slowly dissolves. Some people think this means the love is gone, too. But that assumption is totally false.
Instead, the emotional intimacy of early love is replaced by a deeper connection: the real love of a mature marriage. It might not feel as giddy or glamorous, but it’s just as special, if not even more special.
The mistake many people make is chasing after the honeymoon phase high instead of appreciating the love right in front of them. But this mindset will only lead to disappointment or a physical or emotional affair instead of a successful marriage.
Adjust your romantic expectations before you decide if you’ve fallen out of love with your wife.
5. Clear the air
So, you’ve done some self-reflection and realized that you might still love your wife after all.
But the damage has already been done: you’ve neglected your marriage and caused her emotional pain by putting up walls over the years.
If you want to recapture the emotional connection you once shared, it’s time to start talking openly with your wife. Be honest with her about the things that are bothering you. Bring up old wounds that you’ve brushed under the rug. Ask her what you could do differently to make her feel loved.
These conversations can be incredibly challenging for some couples—especially if relationship problems have built up over time.
To help facilitate a productive discussion, it might help to seek out a professional marriage counselor. Marriage counseling carries the stigma that it’s only for an abusive relationship. But the truth is, any couple could benefit from talking through the tough stuff.
With the right therapist, you and your wife can resolve old hurts and move forward with a clean slate.
6. Appreciate the little things
Loving someone well takes conscious effort. If you’re out of practice showing your wife affection, it might take extra work to regain your appreciation for her.
One of the best things you can do to fall back in love with your wife is to practice gratitude.
Write down every little thing that makes her special. Pay attention to the consistent effort she brings to your marriage every day. Notice everything she does for you, like running to the grocery store or picking up the kids from school.
As you remember why you fell in love in the first place, start showing your wife that you recognize her. Shower her with random compliments and thank her for all that she does. This is a good marriage habit to get into and before long, you’ll be doing these things in daily life without even thinking about it.
7. Date your wife again
Quality time is the final key to feeling true love. You can’t expect to stay in love with someone you never see.
Date your wife again. Take her out to dinner at a nice restaurant. Ask her to go to the movies with you. Surprise her with concert tickets to see her favorite artist. Make more physical contact by holding hands in public or giving her a random hug. Call her just to tell her that you love her.
As you start spending time with your wife in different ways, you should feel the romantic connection return.
Can A Marriage Survive If You’re Not In Love?
What if, even after all this, you still don’t feel in love with your wife?
There’s a chance that the spark between you is too far gone to ever bring back. But if you still care for your wife, that doesn’t have to mean your marriage is over.
If you have a healthy relationship founded on love and respect, you don’t need to constantly feel a sense of romance. It’s still possible to be married to someone who feels more like your best friend than your wife.
But if that’s your plan, you must be honest with her about how you feel. Both people need to be on board to make a marriage work, and she deserves to know that you don’t see her the same way she sees you.
If you’re on the same page and want to stay together, there’s no reason your marriage can’t survive—even if you’re not in love.
When to call it quits in a marriage
But staying in a loveless marriage isn’t for everyone. You don’t need to force something that is making you miserable.
If you genuinely feel you can’t give your wife the marriage she deserves, it’s time to figure out how to ask for a divorce. Otherwise, you’re both prisoners to an unhappy relationship.
Should You Stay Or Go?
At the end of the day, love is a choice. Your wife will never be perfect, and neither will you.
If you really want to make it work, you must fight for your marriage. Date your spouse again. Remind yourself why you got married in the first place, then show her that you remember.
If not? Divorce is always difficult, but sometimes calling it quits is the loving option.
