Jealousy is one hell of a feeling; it can either be a sign of attraction, a means of weaponized toxicity, or a sign that someone wants to hold onto you tightly.
So how are you supposed to feel if the guy you like, or even your own boyfriend, is never expressing any kind of jealousy? It can be downright confusing to find yourself in this situation, wondering if it's something worth worrying over.
Some people will assume that if their boyfriend isn't getting jealous, then he doesn't care about them all that much.
I mean, that's what we’ve always been taught, right?
We've been taught that jealousy and possessive behavior is a way of showing someone you truly love them. We've been told it's a red flag if a guy isn't jealous of us having male friends. We've been taught it's normal for boyfriends to overanalyze our social media accounts and ask our friends where we are.
The above are perfect examples of dating lessons we need to throw out of a top-floor window.
Feelings of jealousy are entirely normal and healthy to experience in moderation. However, we shouldn't normalize someone sending a hundred phone calls a minute, checking their partner's phone behind their back, or having unreasonable issues with their partner's other relationships.
These things are actually signs of controlling and unhealthy behaviors - they're big red flags!
However unhealthy these presumptions are, it's normal to wonder "why is he not jealous" if you've been taught it's a signifier of love. So, I'll answer that question for you today.
Things to know
- Healthy jealousy is characterized by communication of boundaries, explaining rather than demanding, and trust unless there is solid proof. He may not express jealousy because he is not wired that way, has high self-esteem and security, or trusts you.
- Jealousy can be a sign of attraction, a means of weaponized toxicity, or a sign that he wants to control you.
- Jealousy is normal and healthy in moderation, but shouldn't be normalized as a sign of love. Extreme jealousy, possessiveness, and controlling behavior are red flags.
Hang tight, there's still more! Here's what we'll cover:
Healthy Ways To Handle Jealousy
Before we get into why your man might not be feeling jealous, let's look at some healthy kinds of jealousy that you might not be attuned to spotting:
Your guy communicating his boundaries in response to feeling jealous is a really great way of showing he cares about you and your relationship. Maybe a male colleague or old college friend was getting a little too flirty over text, or you were spending time with an old flame, and your man felt uncomfortable.
Instead of getting angry, blowing up on you, and demanding you block everyone immediately, he calmly tells you how he feels and explains that it's inappropriate. He says he'd prefer that you let them know that they can't cross your relationship boundaries.
2. He explains, not demands
If you're used to pretty controlling guys breathing down your neck, then you might be a little taken aback when your guy chooses to trust you to make the call instead of telling you what to do.
He might say he's uncomfortable with you talking to a particular person but puts it in your hands whether you feel it's necessary to cut contact with them or not.
They might simply say, "I think that dude you were just talking to has a thing for you" and then leaves you to decide what to do.
At the core of it, your guy should be using his words and talking to you about any issues. It should never be a case of screaming, controlling, or toxic and abusive actions.
3. Trust unless there's solid proof
There must be trust, mutual respect, and two emotionally mature people for jealousy to be a welcomed emotion in a relationship, or else it just all crumbles dramatically around you in insecurity and resentment.
The truth is that a small, healthy dose of jealousy is good in a relationship if it's handled in the right way. If the jealousy is infrequent but still talked about and effectively resolved, then it really does serve to bring you closer together.
So what if your guy isn't expressing any of that good old healthy jealousy?
You've really got to dig into him as a person to find out why he's not feeling jealous. What you find out might be a genuinely pleasant surprise. If it's not, well... we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.
Why Is He Not Jealous?
1. He isn't the jealous type
It might be hard to believe if you've never come across it before, but some people aren't wired that way. Not being the jealous type at all would mean he's got some pretty off-the-charts levels of self-esteem and security within himself. He may believe that if you're in love you can't be stolen away.
This pointer is not to be confused with a guy having an inflated ego. There's a big difference between being secure in his sense of self and thinking he's better than everyone so no one could possibly make him jealous.
2. He trusts you
Probably the best reason by far; he isn't showing any signs of jealousy because he straight-up trusts you. Knowing you've got confidence in each other and mutual respect is an amazing thing to have in any romantic relationship.
If he's a great partner, shows you he loves and cares about you, you know neither of you would do anything to hurt or betray each other, and he doesn't seem to feel the need to check you on, then it's pretty clear you've just got a healthy relationship and a trusting guy.
3. You're not doing anything to make him jealous
People don't generally have an issue with the little things. What you might think of as jealous-worthy behavior, your guy might not even be batting an eye at it.
Random dudes making comments on your social media feed or telling him about the young man that called you cute in the shops aren't actually things that are in your control, and any mature guy will see that.
Why would he need to feel jealous about passing comments or just the fact that his girl gets attention? If he's not bothered by that, he's likely got some good emotional maturity under his belt. He should only take issue with it and back you up if it's something that's bothering you.
4. He isn't that hot on you
I think you knew this one was coming sooner or later.
If your man is the jealous type, but he's not showing any jealousy toward you, you might have to come to terms with a brutal truth. If he's also unenthusiastic or making little effort, it could signify that he's not that into you.
The minimum expectation in relationships is that each partner expresses their feelings truthfully. If this isn't the case, and your guy isn't trying to protect the boundaries of your relationship, then it's likely he doesn't feel that passion of love like he used to.
It's a hard pill to swallow, especially if it's a sudden change in an otherwise good relationship. Your best bet would be to bring it up if you want a definite answer to your question.
What To Do Next
Usually, jealousy isn't going to be the tell-all about how someone feels; you've really got to look at the person's personality, the context, and what the rest of your relationship actually looks like to get the bigger picture.
Someone can be a huge jealous a-hole just because he has low self-esteem and an ego complex, not because he's scared of losing you. Someone else can be totally different, never get jealous, and still treat you the way you deserve.
A lack of jealousy doesn't have to be a serious issue, not unless it's lumped in with a whole load of other compatibility and affection issues. But remember, unhealthy jealous behavior is always a bad thing.
You don't want to be tangled up in a relationship with the control freaks, phone smashers, and borderline stalkers. It goes from feeling protective to abusive and toxic before you even realize you don't like it.
All in all, just remember to communicate with your guy. If you still don't have your answer, then it doesn't hurt to be open and ask.
I'll leave you with a quote from brilliant mind and author Robert A. Heinlein,
"Jealousy is a disease, love is a healthy condition. The immature mind often mistakes one for the other, or assumes that the greater the love, the greater the jealousy - in fact, they are almost incompatible; one emotion hardly leaves room for the other."