Why Is He Not Texting Me?

We’ve all been there. I’m not ashamed to admit I’ve searched this exact question in my days of confusing online dating, social media romances, and big mistake booty calls.

Your mind is probably racing through all the possibilities as to why he isn’t texting you. Does he hate you with a burning, unrelenting passion because you had lipstick on your teeth that one time? Maybe he’s being held hostage, and that ‘k’ he sent you was actually a cry for help?!

Yep. Our brains can go to some pretty extreme lengths to rationalize something that’s upsetting us, and having a guy you like not texting you back can get you feeling quite down and disheartened.

You won't find any wild explanations in this article. Let’s look at all the possible (and realistic) reasons why men send those one-word answers or send no text at all. Here's what we'll discuss:

  1. He’s texting between game rounds
  2. He thought up his reply but forgot the part where he actually replies
  3. He has commitment issues
  4. You want different things
  5. You're a lousy texter
  6. He's a busy guy
  7. He isn’t big on phones or social media
  8. He just isn’t interested

Why He's Not Texting You

1. He’s texting between game rounds

We’ve all heard this one and for years thought it was a big inside joke between gamers. No, no, it isn’t. As someone who plays online games, I can also attest to it.

Are you noticing that you're being left on ‘seen’ straight away, only to receive a notification in 30 minutes? Well, it might interest you to know that an average round of League of Legends and Call of Duty is about 30 minutes.

Many men have plainly and publicly admitted that they'll read a message mid-game, think of their reply, and then respond when it ends.

Rest assured, your guy is not having a 30-minute booty call with a Rolodex of women multiple times a day; he’s just the good kind of player.

What should I do?

If his gaming is taking up all of his free time and you're not even getting a look or text in, it's probably time to have a conversation.

Explain that you don't feel valued as a partner; he'll either listen or he won't. If he doesn't, you need to decide if you're going to stick around with someone who isn't making time for you! Alternatively, find out when there's a better time to text and adjust your expectations.

It's good to have hobbies outside of relationships, so you shouldn't take this away from him if it's a healthy passion. If you want to chat and feel closer to him, why not hop on the game and talk on the mic?

2. He thought up his reply but forgot the part where he actually replies

This one's a personal favorite of mine because my partner has been guilty of it from day one.

The thing about text messages is that they’re very easy to mentally misplace. How many times have you read a message, responded in your head, had a good laugh at your witty comeback, and then moved on with your day, only to discover three hours later that you never actually sent your genius reply?

Your guy has done that too!

The easiest way to check if this is the case is to see if your eventually-answered texts are met with a well-thought-out or genuinely relevant reply. He might even admit it when he finally does text you back, so don’t give him too much of a hard time if that’s the case!

What should I do?

There's really not much to be done about these very human errors; just slip back into the flow of the text conversation when he realizes. The best kinds of chats are those that never really end - no matter how long it takes one person to respond!

I'd say you shouldn't give him a hard time on this one; we all make mistakes.

3. He has commitment issues

Would you say you have pretty strong feelings for the guy you're texting and don't quite understand why he's dodging your texts or giving you pretty boring one-word answers?

It could be as simple as him avoiding any chances of getting into a serious relationship and simply not texting you back because he knows how upset you'll feel when he says he doesn't feel the same.

You can learn a lot about someone through what they do and don't do.

Even if things went amazingly on the first date, second date, third and fourth, it's not him saying he doesn't like you when the texting dies off. Things might've just moved too fast, you came on a little strong, or he just has issues with commitment.

What should I do?

It's definitely a huge blow when the dude you're crushing on isn't down for commitment. If he stopped texting as soon as you expressed wanting something more, take the exit and don't waste your time pining.

Hoping someone will change their mind or abandon the f-boy lifestyle is futile and will only hurt you more in the long run. Take what you've learned, and drop him.

Remember that it's not your fault or responsibility to burden yourself with someone else's commitment issues or emotional immaturity; you're worth more than that!

4. You want different things

Maybe you're looking for a real relationship, and he isn't. Or perhaps you're the one looking for something casual while he wants to settle down and get serious with someone.

In the early stages of getting to know someone and finding out what they're looking for, the easiest way to drop someone that isn't compatible with your relationship goals is to end the communication with them.

Nobody wants to waste their time on someone that doesn't want what they want, right? Although ghosting is brutal, texting that "we're not compatible" message is hard too.

What should I do?

In an ideal world, people should just be upfront in the first place about what they're looking for. Without this, dating can be incredibly confusing and difficult.  

On the other hand, being overly forward or restrained (in an attempt to demonstrate what you want) can come across as presumptive, overwhelming, strict, or a little selfish. This can lead to a disappearing act and no reply.

5. You're a lousy texter

This is a very common reason why people have difficulty texting a date. Many guys have said if they're receiving texts like 'wyd?', 'ahahaha,' or just emojis, then they probably won't respond. If you're a terrible texter, they aren't a fan of the one-word answers, or they don't feel like you're really acknowledging their personhood with your messages, then:

A) They may not feel like you're even interested in getting to know them with a real conversation, or

B) They just don't vibe all that much with minimalist formalities of social media conversation clichés.

It's a little harsh, but if you're a boring texter, that's definitely a fast track to getting out on the 'no reply' list.

What should I do?

If you think you might have lousy texting habits and they're driving those dates away, try a phone call and see if the natural, real conversation juices start flowing.

Real-life dates and quality time can help outshine your questionable texting game, and you'll probably be forgiven for that string of horse emojis if you're a great conversationalist in person.

6. He's a busy guy

Have you ever found yourself in an all-consuming whirlwind of excitement about a new guy, and you just can't seem to focus on life's other distractions? All you want to do is text them, double text them, or give them a phone call? We've all been there.

Many guys have openly said that some of them aren't so easily distracted by the honeymoon phase of a budding new relationship, and it doesn't significantly impact their texting habits.

You shouldn't take offense to this, there's nothing wrong with a light dose of new-romance-obsession if you keep it in check, but not everyone will live up to those expectations of immediate back-to-back texting.

He's at work, or at lunch with family members, or just busy working on his hobbies. If he's getting back to you when he's done and his texts seem meaningful, don't bother yourself too much with the time it takes to wait for them.

Some people also want to clarify that they have their own life outside of relationships. It's an attractive quality not to be dependent on someone's attention, so, in turn, they're going to finish whatever task they're doing and get back to you when they're done.

It conveys that they're not sitting around waiting for a text and aims to come off a little cool and aloof.

What should I do?

It's important to remember that if his responses have clearly been sent with effort, and he's making time to show you how he feels in other ways, then it's a good idea just to accept he isn't a back-to-back texter and values his other responsibilities in his real-life too!

In my opinion, it is an excellent quality and means that the same rules are applied when his focus is on you and nothing else.

7. He isn’t big on phones or social media

This one is a lot more common than you might realize. It's pretty hard to imagine people without their phones in their hands or in their pockets in this day and age. It's part of our culture and a massive part of how society functions and communicates with each other.

Some of us just haven't adopted the same relationships with our phones as everyone else. You'd be surprised how many guys have said they associate their phones and social media with stress and mental health troubles.

Leaving it behind on a quick trip to the shops or keeping it in the car when at work can take the edge off of for many people and help keep them 'in the moment' and focused without distraction.

What should I do?

I would honestly suggest the same advice as if you're a terrible texter. Instead of sending that flirty text and feeling bummed when it's not even seen, spend some time with him in real life and see what the vibe is like!

I guarantee if you know that he's barely on his phone, but in person, he's enthusiastic about spending time with you, then he's just not a phone guy! You don't need to be a relationship expert to know that texting isn't the be-all and end-all. There are so many great, personal ways to bond with someone.

8. He just isn’t interested

If you've gone through the above reasons and none of them resonate with you, it might be time to accept the possibility that he just isn't interested, and that's why he isn't texting you.

It's good to give people the benefit of the doubt, especially in the early stages of meeting someone. However, the truth rears its ugly head when he's not making an effort with you in real life, only ever DMs you for a booty call, and makes no time for you outside of his work and hobbies.

In this case, the reality is that he's just not that into you, and your unanswered texts are being wasted on cold shoulders.

What should I do?

Not answering is an answer in itself. It's cliché, but actions do speak louder than words. If he wanted to text you, spend time with you, or get to know you, then he would do that.

The worst thing to do in this situation is sit hoping that he's going to realize what he's missing and suddenly put in the effort. You're better than that, and you deserve someone who finds the best way they can to show you how they feel.


What To Do Next

Modern relationships are hard to decipher, especially when people don't just come out and say what they mean. You can learn a lot about someone through what they do and don't do.

Communication is always key. You can guess about the possible reasons to the heavens and back with your best friend in the stall of a club bathroom, but just asking what the score is with your guy is the only real way to put your mind at ease and, hopefully, resolve the issue.

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