Ever started dating a guy who seems like the total package?
He’s confident and self-reliant. You don’t have to hold his hand. He’s decisive and sets up dates without you needing to ask.
At first, everything feels too good to be true. He’s attentive and never forgets to call. He respects your personal space, but you don’t feel neglected. You wonder where he’s been all your life.
Then just when you start feeling a deeper connection, he slowly starts to pull away.
It’s subtle at first. A longer response time between texts, a missed date here and there. But he always has a good excuse. You start to obsess over what you did wrong. The more he pulls away, the more you press forward. Eventually, the calls stop altogether.
You probably found yourself an Avoidant man.
The good news? Driving away a guy with an Avoidant attachment style isn’t a death sentence for your relationship.
The bad news? It’s going to take some work to bring him running back.
Find out why Avoidants pull away, what to do when they disappear, and how to get an Avoidant to chase you:
- What Are Attachment Styles?
- Avoidant Attachment Style In Relationships
- Why Do Avoidants Disappear?
- Do Avoidants Ever Chase?
- How To Get An Avoidant To Chase You
- How Do I Make An Avoidant Commit?
- It Takes Two
If you love someone with an Avoidant personality, the most important thing is to build trust.
What Are Attachment Styles?
If you want to get an Avoidant to chase you, first, you need to understand their attachment style. But what are attachment styles?
Researchers have found that the way we are raised in early childhood impacts how we behave in our adult love life.
According to attachment theory, there are four different attachment styles: Secure, Anxious, Avoidant, and Fearful Avoidant.
If your primary caregiver was able to meet your emotional needs and your home felt like a safe space, then you likely have a Secure attachment style. This means that you can connect with your romantic partner in a healthy way and feel confident in expressing positive or negative emotions.
But if you had an unreliable or absent primary caregiver, it’s likely that you have one of the other three insecure attachment styles.
If you are an Anxious partner, you might have grown up in a household where your parents were inconsistent in their caregiving. As a result, you may notice yourself constantly seeking attention and reassurance from your romantic partner, fearing that they will leave you at any moment.
For a Fearful Avoidant, their home life in early childhood was often unstable or even dangerous. A person with this attachment style carries that fear into their adult relationships, desiring love while pushing it away.
And finally, we have the Avoidant individual. This person grew up believing they could only rely on themselves to meet their own needs. Now, their relationship problems typically stem from putting up walls when things start to get serious.
Avoidant Attachment Style In Relationships
If you are dating someone that you suspect has an Avoidant attachment style, otherwise known as Dismissive Avoidant, it is likely that this person grew up feeling neglected by their primary caregiver.
So what does it mean if your partner has an Avoidant personality?
Here’s what it doesn’t mean:
- He has no emotions.
- He manipulates your feelings for fun.
- He doesn’t love you.
An Avoidant person craves love and wants a healthy relationship just as much as anyone else. The difference is that they learned early in life to associate emotional intimacy with rejection.
The truth is, many times, someone with an Avoidant style doesn’t even realize they are doing anything wrong. Keeping their partner at arm’s length is likely all they’ve ever known.
The idea of leaving their comfort zone and being vulnerable with you is terrifying to them.
Why Do Avoidants Disappear?
Think back to your own relationship with an Avoidant lover. Can you pinpoint the exact moment they started to pull away from you?
Chances are, your partner was triggered by a major milestone or expression of love. Maybe it was an anniversary. Or the first time you said ‘I love you.’
It could have been something as simple as discussing your future. Any mention of changing your plans to fit an Avoidant into the picture is sure to send them running for the hills.
Why? Because Avoidants disappear when they feel you are getting too close.
Do Avoidants Ever Chase?
People with an Avoidant attachment tend to reject any sign of a close relationship. They aren’t comfortable giving up their independence and opening themselves up to being hurt.
But it is definitely possible for people with this attachment style to fight for you. They just need to feel like your relationship is a safe space. To make an Avoidant chase you, you need to do the opposite of what you feel: let go.
This can be especially difficult if you have an Anxious attachment style. You naturally seek intimacy in your relationships and have a hard time with personal space. Drawn in when the Avoidant takes a step back, the romantic relationship becomes triggering for both partners.
There’s even a dating pattern called the Anxious-Avoidant trap because these opposites so frequently attract. If that’s you, don’t worry—it’s still possible to turn things around.
It starts with making the Avoidant miss you.
How To Get An Avoidant To Chase You
If you want an Avoidant to chase you, it’s going to take patience and discipline.
You have to stay away from them longer than you’d probably like. Keeping your feelings contained is necessary until the Avoidant’s alarm bells stop ringing.
But if you stick to the plan and follow these nine steps, your love life will bounce back in no time:
Do your own thing
Even if you have a Secure attachment style, it’s easy to get sucked into a new relationship. You’re in love—of course, you want to be with them all the time!
But when it comes to dating an Avoidant, it’s absolutely necessary to pump the brakes and make time for yourself. It gives them a chance to miss you and reassures them that you’re independent.
Make plans with friends you haven’t seen in a while. Pick an old hobby back up. Spend a night relaxing and focusing on yourself. The important thing is to prove you’re okay without them. And if you don’t back off? They probably will.
Don’t be too available
Are you typically the person reaching out first? When you text your Avoidant man, does he answer right away? Or does he let it sit for hours before responding?
No one likes to feel needy. So if he’s been putting your messages on ice all day, don’t reward him with a quick reply when he finally texts you back.
Give it some time before you jump at his call. Don’t cancel plans just to see him. If he doesn’t drop everything for you, why should you put your life on hold for him?
Remember that it’s normal to have other plans. Make sure you’re not always available when he asks you to hang out. This way, you’re showing him that he’s not the only priority in your life.
Be true to your word
If you love someone with an Avoidant personality, the most important thing you need to build in your relationship is trust.
This individual grew up in a home where they couldn’t count on anyone. Now, the Avoidant individual has deeply ingrained trust issues surrounding emotional intimacy.
Anything you can do to prove to them that you’re consistent and reliable will go a long way. If you say you’re going to do something, follow through. If they do open up to you, never dismiss their feelings.
Every time you show them that you are trustworthy, they’ll slowly move closer to you.
For some people, sharing their thoughts and feelings with their partners makes them feel closer. They see it as a form of bonding to open up about their innermost hopes and dreams in a romantic relationship.
Not the Avoidant.
If you wear your heart on your sleeve, someone with this attachment style will feel suffocated. They want to take things slow and get to know you over the course of a long-term relationship, not all at once on the first date.
Keep some things to yourself. There’s no need to be an open book. The Avoidant will actually be more drawn to you if you leave a little mystery on the table.
Keep dates short
Another way to keep your cards close? Put a time limit on your dates.
An Avoidant person doesn’t like to feel trapped. If they start to notice that your time together is open-ended, they might hesitate before agreeing to hang out. An all-night event is a big commitment.
If you want an Avoidant to chase you, quit while you’re ahead. Head home early from a date night so you can leave him on a high note.
Don’t seek constant reassurance
There’s a tendency in some of the different attachment styles to feel insecure in their relationships. When you love Avoidant types, that uncertainty can get even worse.
For many people, they cope with insecurity by asking their partner for reassurance. But when it comes to an Avoidant, asking too much is a glaring red flag.
Avoidants are highly attuned to maintaining their independence in a relationship. If they suspect their partner has low self-esteem and can’t stand on their own two feet, it will be an instant turn-off.
To avoid pushing an Avoidant away, keep your confidence up. Adopt a positive attitude about the relationship and remind yourself that you will be fine with or without a romantic partner. They’ll sense your strength and be pulled back to you.
Make group plans
Alone time in a relationship is always more intense than a group outing. If your Avoidant partner has already pulled away, it will be easier to reel them back in with mutual friends.
Lighten the mood by including other people in your plans. That way, it won’t feel like such an intimate relationship. The Avoidant will be less nervous if they know it’s not one-on-one.
Come up with creative activities that help cut the tension of sitting around and talking. Go golfing or host a game night. Anything you can do to make the meet-up more casual will help.
Don’t forget body language
Dating an Avoidant doesn’t mean showing no emotion. You can—and should—support them emotionally, just as you would any other romantic partner.
The key is to find nonverbal ways to lift up an Avoidant. They often have a hard time sharing their feelings through words. Most Avoidants are not used to it and feel too vulnerable. Instead, rely on body language to express your love.
Holding their hand or giving them a hug can carry more meaning for an Avoidant than saying a thousand words. Channel your compassion into acts of service, which will speak volumes to them. They love to see your physical intimacy back up your words.
Remember, when it comes to supporting Avoidants: show, don’t tell.
Respect their personal space
If your Avoidant partner starts showing signs of reentering the picture, that’s great! But don’t fall back into your old ways just yet.
Remember that Avoidants require more personal space than most. Even if they love you, they need to take it slow. They have a lot of trauma to work through that will flare up if they lose their alone time.
You can support an Avoidant partner by respecting their boundaries. If you know they need a night to themselves, don’t ask them to cut into that time. If they give up too much of their independence for the relationship, they will begin to resent you and pull away again.
The best way to get an Avoidant to chase you is by giving them the freedom to have a life outside of yours.
How Do I Make An Avoidant Commit?
What happens after you get an Avoidant to chase you? Is it happily ever after?
Not quite. You can’t force anyone to commit to you. They have to make that decision by themselves.
But you can set boundaries in your relationship that define your own needs. Just because you understand their attachment style doesn’t mean it’s a free ticket to constantly neglect you.
Boundaries are necessary to protect your peace. Even if you love your Avoidant partner, there needs to be a limit on how much space you’re willing to accept.
Giving an Avoidant clear guidelines about how to support you will help you both. Your partner will have a better idea of what they’re signing up for, and you will feel more satisfied in the relationship.
But if you do set boundaries, be prepared to enforce them. There is always the possibility that the Avoidant person won’t be willing or able to meet your needs. You have to know when to stay and when to walk away.
It Takes Two
You don’t always get to pick who you fall in love with. But you can control how you show love.
Understanding your Avoidant partner will do more than just get them to chase you. It will help you both grow in love and strengthen your bond.
Attachment styles run deep and won’t change overnight. If you are both committed to overcoming your relationship problems, then you can have a happy long-term relationship.
But it takes two people to make a connection work.
If they refuse to respect your boundaries or try couples therapy sessions, then don’t let them use their Avoidant attachment style as an excuse.
A healthy relationship requires both of you to identify toxic patterns in yourselves. No matter what your attachment styles are, committing to being your best can transform your love life.