At the start of an intimate relationship, everything feels electric. You can’t get enough of each other, and you want to be together all the time. It’s new and exciting and feels like it always will be.
And then time goes on. It’s a great feeling to be comfortable with your partner, but it’s not so great for your sex life. You might be afraid that you’ll never get back the spark you had the first time you were together.
Don’t worry: being a married couple doesn’t have to mean you’re doomed to a dead bedroom. There are some very simple ways you can improve your skills:
Things to know
- Selfishness in the bedroom is the biggest no-no. Tune into your partner's needs and be generous. It's hot!
- Emotional intimacy is the key to the best sex of your life. When you're tuned into someone on an emotional level, your time in the bedroom will flow easily.
- If you're worried about something serious, there's no shame in seeking help from your doctor or therapist.
The following are 11 tips on how to be a better lover, no matter what stage your relationship is in.
- 1. Educate Yourself
- 2. Practice Self Care
- 3. Establish Emotional Intimacy
- 4. Read Your Partner’s Signals
- 5. Timing Is Everything
- 6. Perfect Your Technique
- 7. Don’t Be Selfish
- 8. Aftercare Matters
- 9. Keep An Open Mind
- 10. Go To Counseling Together
- 11. See A Doctor
- Making Peace With Imperfect Sex
1. Educate Yourself
You’re never too old to go back to school. The first step to being better at anything is getting educated: and that includes sex.
There are all kinds of resources out there for people who want to improve their performance in the bedroom. Books by sexual intimacy researcher Lou Paget have sold millions of copies. Replacing your summer beach read with one of her sex guides can be transformative for your relationship.
For something a little more hands-on, sign up for a sex seminar. This can be an in-person or online course aimed at teaching people of all ages how to be better lovers. Look for a seminar that targets your area of weakness. You might be surprised by how fun it can be.
2. Practice Self Care
Before you try anything new with your partner, to be a better lover, you need to start with a clean slate: literally. Good hygiene is an underrated factor in creating a positive sexual experience.
No one wants to get up close and personal with anything that hasn’t been washed in days. Make sure you freshen up before initiating any lovemaking session, and the results should speak for themselves.
While you’re practicing self-care, don’t forget to include fitness. It turns out that working out can make you a better lover. Going to the gym can boost your sex drive, increase your sexual pleasure, and help you last longer. Aerobic training has even been shown to help treat erectile dysfunction in men.
So if you want to be a better lover, hit the gym. Then take a shower.
3. Establish Emotional Intimacy
Ever heard the phrase “sex starts in the morning?” No, it doesn’t mean an all-day marathon. This age-old adage reminds lovers that emotional intimacy is the key that unlocks the best sex. It’s called ‘making love’ for a reason: you need to feel an emotional connection before you ever connect physically.
Women, in particular, need to be primed on an emotional level before feeling sexual desire. The best lovers know exactly how to set themselves up for success. Identifying your partner’s love language is the first step. Does she feel most loved when you spend quality time together?
Take her out to lunch and put your phone away. Or does she respond to physical touch? If she’s had a long day, then giving her a massage is a great way to get things started. Remember, every woman is different. The best boyfriend knows his partner’s cues.
4. Read Your Partner’s Signals
In an intimate relationship, the best communication isn’t always verbal. Picking up on body language signals in the bedroom can elevate your lovemaking session to new heights.
Your partner’s emotional reactions will tell you a lot about your performance. If you’re doing your job right, they’ll respond positively. Pay attention to what moves get them going, then don’t change course too quickly.
But when you don’t know what to look for, nonverbal cues can be deceiving. If it’s your first time and you can’t read your partner well yet, don’t be afraid to ask them what they like. Even learning a little thing can completely change their sexual experience. Communication is key.
5. Timing Is Everything
Men and women operate on different clocks. You’re not always perfectly in sync when it comes to sexual desire. Nevertheless, there are certain times of day when a couple is completely in sync.
Research shows that the best time to have sex is actually first thing in the morning. After a good night’s sleep, both lovers are at their peak energy levels. This leads to better stamina and a better sexual experience for everyone involved.
Feeling in the mood at a later time of day? Make sure it’s the right time for your partner, too. If they are stressed or exhausted from a long day at work, then initiating sex is not likely to be successful. Being on the same page is one secret to being an excellent lover. Learn how to read the room and pick the right time.
6. Perfect Your Technique
Love might be poetry, but sex is a science. Doing your anatomy homework can pay off in the bedroom. Researchers say that humans have something called erogenous zones that are highly sensitive to stimulation.
These are zones are important points on the body, critical to sexual pleasure. For some reason, there are more nerve endings concentrated in these spots, making touch feel electric. Neglecting these pressure points is one of the biggest mistakes people make.
There are lots of different things you can do to work these erogenous zones into your sexual technique. Targeting an area like the neck is one way to incorporate your studying into sex. If you want to be a better boyfriend or girlfriend, make sure you have a game plan going in.
7. Don’t Be Selfish
The best lovers are givers. There’s nothing more attractive than seeing the person you love having a good time. Focusing on your partner’s sexual pleasure is the best way to enhance your own.
Being generous doesn’t just mean foreplay. It’s also about showing respect. There’s a lot of deep insecurity that can come out during a sexual experience. You’re both at your most vulnerable, and any form of rejection can be incredibly damaging. Make sure to be hyperaware of your partner’s emotional reactions.
An excellent lover affirms the person they’re with and fills them with self-confidence. They embrace the awkwardness that comes with sex instead of making the other person feel self-conscious about it.
No one likes a selfish lover. Showing respect is the fastest way to up your game in a sexual relationship. You’ll be amazed at how much your sex life improves when both of you feel safe.
8. Aftercare Matters
One of the biggest mistakes you can make in the bedroom is neglecting your partner after sex. Sexual intimacy is about the whole experience, not just the end goal. What happens after the fact is just as important as the act itself.
Aftercare is the general term for showing care to your partner after sex. This could mean cuddling, intimate conversation, or even something as simple as bringing them water. It might not sound like much, but studies show that engaging in aftercare can actually bond you as a couple.
Not only does it get the happy hormones flowing, but it also opens you up to deep talks that you might not otherwise have. Aftercare colors the whole sexual experience for your partner. If you want to be a better lover, don’t roll over and go to sleep. Stay engaged and show you care.
9. Keep An Open Mind
Think you’ve got it all figured out? For more advanced pairs looking to spice up their love life, you will need to get adventurous.
It’s easy to fall into a routine, especially if you’re a married couple. You know what the other person likes, and you operate on the same schedule. If you have kids, it gets even harder to spice things up. But there are lots of different things you can try if you want to get creative.
In a long-term relationship, variety is the magic word for your sex life. Switch things up and try new positions. Even if they seem goofy or awkward, it can be fun to laugh about it together.
If you really have an open mind, introduce a sex toy into the mix. If that’s too much for you, start small. A little thing like a different time or place can be enough to revive your stale sex life.
10. Go To Counseling Together
Sometimes, being a better lover means knowing when to ask for help. If you and your partner are not on the same page, it can be difficult to bridge the divide alone.
It’s one thing to struggle with emotional intimacy. It’s another altogether to tackle sexual intimacy. Seeing a professional who specializes in sexual dissatisfaction is an important point. It might feel embarrassing, but you aren’t their first counseling client, and you certainly won’t be their last. Struggling with sex is no worse than any other problem couples face on an emotional level.
You might be surprised by what couples counseling can bring up. Sometimes a past traumatic experience one person went through can still impact your sex life today. Listen with an open mind, and expect to learn new things about your partner.
11. See A Doctor
Medical issues may also hold you back from being a better lover. Low libido, pain, or performance problems can stem from biological imbalances. Fortunately, many of these conditions are treatable. If your sex drive is in the pits and you don’t know why you might consider seeing a doctor.
Hormone deficiencies could be to blame. Medications like antidepressants can also cause low libido. If performance is the issue, erectile dysfunction is more common than you might think. Don’t be afraid to deal with it now instead of waiting for a bigger problem down the road.
It’s not normal to experience pain during sexual intimacy—and it’s not fun, either. Seeing a doctor can help you be the best version of yourself. Addressing underlying health issues might be the thing that turns your sex life around.
Making Peace With Imperfect Sex
Remember, no two people are the same. Being a better lover means understanding your partner and what works for them. Don’t be discouraged if something that worked for one lover doesn’t click with another.
At the end of the day, your sex life is between you and your partner. If they're happy with you, you don’t need to prove anything about your sexual prowess.
You don’t need to be a Don Juan. Understanding the one you’re with is the real secret to being an excellent lover.